What to Do If He Has a Crush

Understanding why your husband or boyfriend may have wandering eyes

It can be devastating to think that your spouse is attracted to someone else. You want them to feel attracted to you and for them to think that you're enough for them, and may wonder if a crush of any sort will lead to infidelity or even divorce. While it can be upsetting there may be no reason to worry or panic just yet. Consider how you might handle the situation.

Crushes Are Natural

Being attracted to people outside your marriage or relationship is natural, as human sexuality is complicated. A person may be attracted to someone just by nature; they appreciate how they look or think that they're funny or approachable. Sometimes a person might also get a bit bored with their current relationship and may see someone new as being exciting to them.

If someone other than their partner seems to find them attractive, this can be a great ego boost and a person may feel attracted to someone that makes them food good. It's easy to say that they should appreciate the fact that you think they're attractive, but after many years together a spouse might be taken for granted. Someone they meet through friends or an attractive coworker who flirts with them can be like a breath of fresh air and help someone's self-esteem.

What They Do

While having crushes and attractions outside your marriage or partnership is natural, this doesn't mean it's okay for a person to act upon them! Of course you don't want your partner to act on their attraction, but be aware of what they actually do about this supposed attraction. An occasional polite conversation and even the occasional glance at the person as they walk away is not necessarily something to be concerned about. You may find yourself deep in conversation with the cute guy at the gym or may not mind it too much when a certain coworker conducts a meeting because you think he's cute, so consider if your spouse might also be acting innocently.

Talk About It

If you think that your spouse's or your partner's attraction to someone else and their behavior has crossed a certain line, your first step is to talk to them. Tell them that it's normal to find other people attractive but your commitment to each other is what's important. Your partner may not even realize that he's been flirting with someone else or giving them undue attention!

Be prepared for them to be defensive but don't let the conversation turn into an argument; instead, express your feelings openly and honestly. You might tell them that it makes you feel less attractive to him when he flirts with someone else and that it's embarrassing when he does it in front of others. Mention that you don't appreciate being left alone at a party so that he can chat with that attractive coworker.

You can also bring up the idea of temptation and how innocent crushes and attractions can lead to something more serious. Your husband may not be in a dangerous situation with this person now but what if he starts to spend more time with her? This can lead to the temptation of taking things a step further and exploring the potential of a sexual relationship.

What If He Has A Crush on Someone Close To You

What if you know that your husband has an attraction for someone close to you, such as your best friend? Depending on the situation you may want to put some distance between you so there are no hurt feelings. Rather than invite her to the house, meet her at the mall for shopping or lunch. If this person is your best friend you might confide in her the reason for the distance but if she's a casual friend, you may want to be discreet lest she be tempted to see if she could actually seduce your husband!

This might also be a good time to take stock of your marriage and your relationship. If your spouse cheats this is of course their responsibility alone, but if your marriage has gotten stale and boring, this isn't healthy for either of you. You and your spouse might want to put more effort into arranging date nights for the two of you and doing things to bring you closer together. If you've both let your appearance slide a bit, join a gym together and take some exercise classes. Take a cooking class or go dancing.

Remember that while attractions are normal, you both want to work hard to build a relationship that neither wants to leave. Your husband needs to do his part in this, but you need to do yours as well. The more work you put into the relationship, the more you'll get out of it, and the less threatening those little crushes will be.